


He Ain't Heavy (He's My Brother)

by BuckyAndDanno



Series: Evan Buckley-Severide [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Benny's Death, Boden Knows, Buck Needs Help, Depression, Evan Buckley-Severide, Evan Severide, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Kelly Can't Cope, M/M, Minor Character Death, Severide Bros, Substance Abuse, Torrent Of Emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:15:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23761426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno
Summary: Benny dies. The Severide brothers fall apart.Trigger warnings for death of a parent, grief, depression, and substance misuse.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Kelly Severide, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Series: Evan Buckley-Severide [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709599
Comments: 15
Kudos: 221





	He Ain't Heavy (He's My Brother)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction, but it deals with real life issues. Read with caution. Trigger warnings for death of a parent, grief, depression, and substance misuse. If you are struggling, please talk to a friend, family member or trained professional.
> 
> I don’t own anything to do with 9-1-1 or Chicago Fire.
> 
> This fic takes place 1 month after Trapped. I actually wrote this after I wrote a different fic which takes place 3 months after this one. So this fic became a lot heavier and more angsty than I originally intended. This fic takes elements from Chicago Fire episodes 7x06 and 7x08; Benny’s death and the Chimney collapse.
> 
> Title is taken from the ballad written by Bobby Scott and Bob Russell.

1 Month Ago

Benny Severide hovers in the doorway to Evan’s hospital room, tears in his eyes. His hand grips the door frame so tightly that his knuckles turn white.

He’s never seen Evan so still.

From the day he met the 17 year old, he was always so vibrant, bursting with energy and light. Now, his son is too pale and too still.

Benny barely makes it to the chair before he crumbles, a soft cry escaping him.

“Evan…”

It takes him a few minutes to compose himself, and then he’s grasping Evan’s hand tightly. “Your mom would have come but… you know she hates hospitals. She wanted me to tell you that she loves you, but you already know that…”

It’s like talking to a ghost. He shudders, scrubbing his free hand over his face.

“I know I haven’t been the best… for you or Kelly, but I love you, kiddo. I do. I just ain’t that great at showing it. You both make me proud, so proud, every day.”

His eyes catch Evan’s turnout coat, draped over the other chair along with his personal effects.

_Buckley-Severide._

Benny smiles. “I know I ain’t your blood, but you’re a Severide through and through. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

He grips Evan’s hand tighter. “I just need you to be strong now, okay, son? I need you to wake up.”

25 Days Ago

The next time Benny arrives to see his son, he’s delighted to find Evan awake, laughing with Kelly about some commercial that’s playing on the TV,

“Hey boys.” He greets them with a smile.

“Dad.” Kelly gives him a hug.

Evan waves from the bed. “Hey pop.”

Benny’s heart skips a beat.

“Would you mind giving us a minute?” He says to Kelly, who frowns but leaves the two alone.

Benny takes the seat beside Evan, and for a moment just takes him in. His skin has more colour, eyes brighter and full of mirth. Benny smiles. “You okay Evan?”

“Yeah.” Evan smiles in return. “They just want to keep me in for another day or two, to be sure, but docs say I’m good.”

“Good. You had your mom worried.”

Evan looks sheepish. “I figured as much. She’s gonna lecture me again, isn’t she?”

Benny chuckles as he thinks of his wife, then takes Evan’s hand. “You had me worried too, kid.” He says softly.

“I know.” At Benny’s look of confusion, Evan clarifies. “I heard everything while I was asleep.”

“Oh.” Benny doesn’t quite know what to say to that.

Evan just smiles. “I love you too Dad.”

Now

“Hey mom.” Evan presses a kiss to her cheek as he enters the house via the side door, straight into the kitchen. His mom’s cooking chicken, and Evan’s mouth waters.

“Are you staying for dinner?” She asks as she hugs him, and Evan just grins.

“You seen Pop?”

She raises her eyebrow at the term of endearment, but says. “He’s watching the game.”

Evan heads off into the lounge, smiling when he sees Benny. “Hey pop!”

“Hey, kiddo.” Benny turns from the TV, grinning at Evan, and gestures for him to sit. Evan plops down next to him, bag in his lap, and gives him a one-armed hug.

They chat about a few things, the game especially –

“It’s something I wish I’d done with you.”

“No time like now.”

\- but eventually Evan can’t sit still, and Benny’s eyes are drawn to the bag that that Evan’s holding quite protectively.

“You gonna tell me what’s in the bag then, or do I have to guess?”

Evan grins, pulling out the two items and laying them side by side on the table. “Mine and Kelly’s new turnout coats.”

Immediately, Benny’s eyes start watering.

K. Severide

E. Severide

“Evan…” Benny just pulls him into a hug.

“I’m a Severide, through and through.” Evan whispers with a smile, heart bursting at the warm embrace.

“You are, kiddo.” Benny responds.

Evan pulls back, hand moving to run over the embroidery of his own coat. “I had it changed last week.”

Benny knows he doesn’t just mean the gear. “Yeah?”

“Two near death experiences in three months makes you realise some things.” Evan turns back to him. “Like who your family really is.”

He would always love Bobby for being there for him, but the first time he’d been alone after he’d woken up had him recalling Benny’s words. He’d realised that for all the times the man hadn’t been there for him, there were plenty of other times he had; usually the most important ones.

After everything with the 118, Evan had promised himself not to hold onto things any more.

So he’d let Benny in, and for the first time in his life, Evan felt like he had a father.

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, son.”

Kelly had been called in to cover another shift, and still had about four hours to go. He was just running drills with blue watch when his phone rang.

Checking the ID, he saw it was Buck, and frowned. Evan wouldn’t call him when he knew he was on shift.

“Rest!” He calls out to Squad, and then answers the phone. “Evan?”

“Kel…” Evan chokes, and Kelly’s heart starts pounding.

“Evan? What’s wrong?” He’s already half way to Boden’s office.

“It’s Dad.”

Kelly freezes.

“We’re in the ambulance, on the way to Med. They think it’s a stroke.”

Kelly blinks, but his brain isn’t quite comprehending what Evan’s saying. It’s only when Boden’s in front of him, calling his name, that Kelly snaps to awareness.

“I’ll be there.” He says to Evan, and then he’s looking at Boden, who’s staring at him with concern. “My Dad’s in the hospital.”

Boden’s hand squeezes his shoulder. “Go.”

Kelly arrives at Med fifteen minutes later. He can’t see any sign of Benny or Evan, so he goes to the reception. “I’m looking for my Dad, Benjamin Severide. My brother, Evan, was bringing him in.”

Out of the corner of his eye he sees April watching him, a strange look on her face, but pays her no mind.

The receptionist types in the details, her face changes, and Kelly just knows.

He stumbles, and April is suddenly behind him, rubbing a hand on his back. Her words sound like they’re underwater ‘passed… five minutes ago… Evan…’ and Kelly just pulls away, stumbling back outside.

For the first time in his life, Kelly’s thoughts are not on his brother.

Kelly runs.

The days that follow are a strange affair. Boden gives them time off, but Kelly can’t bring himself to be with Evan and his mom.

His last blood relative is gone, and Kelly just feels numb.

When the day of the funeral arrives, Kelly about manages to keep it together. His Dad deserved a proper send off. When they leave the crematorium, Kelly thanks Boden, hugs Casey tight, but then his whole body just deflates.

Evan tries to catch his eyes, but Kelly turns away. He can barely deal with his own torrent of emotions; he doesn’t need anyone else’s.

A few days later, when they return to the firehouse, the first thing Kelly notices is that he has new gear. The second thing he notices is that Evan does too.

Then he notices the names, and something inside of him explodes. The anger is the first thing he’s felt since his world imploded.

“What the hell is this?” He yells at Evan as he stalks out of the gear cupboard.

His brother is restocking the Squad truck, and looks at him, bewildered.

Kelly’s fist is bunched around his turnout coat, and Evan’s eyes widen as he realises what Kelly means. “I just thought…”

“You thought wrong!”

“Kelly… I…”

They’re cut off by the sounds of the siren, their colleagues racing around them. Kelly breaks the eye contact first, shaking his head with a huff, and jumps into the truck.

He can’t believe Evan…

He tries to let the call distract him, to fall into the routine of rescue, but it’s no use. He can’t switch his mind off from thinking about everything.

He can’t switch off the anger now boiling over, but for the moment it’s better than feeling numb.

Deep down he knows he loves his brother more than anything, but he can’t understand why Evan’s pretending he knows what Kelly’s going through.

He’s so consumed by his thoughts that he doesn’t hear Boden’s call to evacuate, doesn’t hear the roof groaning.

Something hits him, knocking him to the floor. He’s pinned, and all he can think is that maybe he’ll see his Dad again.

Evan feels nothing but fear as the second floor explodes, flames and shattered glass erupting into the air. He’s holding onto Stella for dear life, tears in his eyes. “Kelly…” He can’t lose someone else. He won’t. “Kelly, please…”

A flash of black and yellow has him looking toward the door; Casey and Cruz bringing an uninjured looking Kelly out.

Evan’s running to Kelly then, hugging him tight, but Kelly just pushes him away.

Evan stumbles, face awash with hurt. “Kel?”

“I’m fine, Evan.” Kelly snaps.

“Kelly, you just scared the hell out of me.” Evan whispers, but his brother refuses to meet his gaze. “I can’t lose you too.”

“Just stop!” Kelly whirls, and the eyes that do finally meet his gaze are full of fury. “I can’t deal with your goddamn Daddy issues right now. Suck it up, Evan.”

“Kelly!” Boden barks, as Evan sinks to the grass. “Go with 61. Get checked out.”

“Chief…”

“I said go!”

Kelly doesn’t even look at Evan as he stalks past, and Evan feels his heart break.

Maybe, he thinks, he’s already lost him.

When Evan arrives home after shift, he’s not surprised to find Kelly isn’t there. His brother has been avoiding him as much as possible, and it hurts Evan more than anything else.

Pain. That’s all Evan can feel right now – it’s all he’s felt since Benny collapsed – and he wonders absently if he’ll ever feel anything else.

He’s no stranger to pain – the ladder truck, embolism, 118 freezing him out – but this is different. It’s all consuming, and Evan just wants it to stop.

His head is thumping, and he stumbles his way into the bathroom, pulling out the Tylenol and swallowing two dry. A moment passes, his eyes fixed to the bottle. He swallows two more, sinks to the floor, and cries.

A week passes with no improvement.

Kelly holds onto his anger to stop himself feeling numb.

Evan holds onto the bottle to stay numb.

When a fifth shift ends in tragedy – Kelly not being able to rescue a dying father from a car wreck in time – he finds himself at Molly’s. The day had just hit too close to home.

He’s on his fourth J.D. when Evan walks in, and it’s clear he’s been looking for Kelly.

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” Kelly groans. “I don’t need a god damn babysitter.”

“Kelly…” Evan sighs. “We need to talk about this. We’re not coping – ”

“I’d be fine if you just got out of my god damn face.”

Evan flinches, but doesn’t back down. “If you want to pretend you’re fine… well, I’m not.”

“I can’t deal with you, Evan. Not now.”

“Why?” Evan looks on the verge of tears. The rational side of Kelly wants to hug him tight and not let go, but it’s tempered too heavily by the anger. “Why won’t you just talk to me?”

“Because you don’t get it! You call him Dad a handful of times and what, you think that makes us the same? You don’t know the first thing about how I’m feeling!”

“I’m not saying I know exactly how you feel, Kelly, but I’m your brother. If you need – ”

“What I need, Evan, is for you to leave me alone.” Kelly’s voice cracks, staring into his drink. “Please.”

Evan swallows, chokes back a sob. “I love you, Kel.” Then he’s gone.

Kelly’s fist hits the bar.

It’s the first night Evan reaches for Kelly’s meds rather than the drug store ones. Every single part of him hurts.

He knows he should call Eddie, shouldn’t let himself fall further, but Eddie has Chris – is thinking about the move. Eddie doesn’t need his problems too. Eddie can’t help him, and Evan doesn’t want him to see him like this.

Belatedly, he wonders if Kelly will even notice – if he wants him to notice – but then he’s pulled under, blissfully numb.

Another week passes. Evan can’t remember anything except for going to work, and then peaceful darkness.

His head is pounding, his throat is dry, but he manages to drag himself up off the floor.

Surprise, surprise, Kelly’s not there.

Evan curses under his breath, swallows another tablet to get him through the day, and leaves for work.

The shift drags on, but he powers through, just waiting to get home again. He’s sure he can get through it – just one hour left – but then they come back from a call, and Kelly’s on him like a hawk.

“You were slow getting the equipment up.” Kelly’s watching him with a frown, and Evan has to laugh. Is that concern he sees?

“You’re never slow, Evan.”

“Why do you care?” Evan snaps, and he can feel himself shaking. Dammit. He was almost there. “You haven’t given a damn about me before now.”

Kelly’s face contorts. “I care because it could cost lives!”

Buck just turns, stalking away from Kelly. “I don’t have time for this.” His hands are shaking, and he knows he can’t let anyone see.

Fortunately or unfortunately, their Battalion Chief is the most perceptive of all. “Evan, my office.”

Evan can feel himself trembling as he sits opposite Boden.

To his surprise, Boden just sighs. “I don’t know what is going on with you Evan, but I don’t like it.”

“Ch-Chief…”

“I say this because I care.” Boden reaches across, taking Evan’s hand. “If you’re struggling, I am here. We can get you anything you need.”

‘You can’t,’ Evan thinks, shaking his head. “I’m f-fine.”

“Evan.” Boden fixes him with a stare. “You need help. If you don’t want to go through CFD, fine, but you need help. Take as long as you need, but don’t let me lose another firefighter – another family member. That is something I will not stand for.”

Evan is completely taken aback by the concern in Boden’s expression, and finds himself just breaking down in front of his Chief.

Boden signs off on two months sabbatical after Evan tells him everything, and Evan leaves the office feeling like his world has been turned upside down again.

He passes Kelly in a daze – ignoring his call of “Evan?” – and then he’s outside, dialling a familiar number.

“Nash.”

“Bobby…”

“Buck?”

“Help.”

**Author's Note:**

> The next fic will be an interlude which deals with Evan’s recovery and Kelly’s continued struggles.
> 
> Again, if you are struggling, please talk to a friend, family member or trained professional.
> 
> Until next time!


End file.
